SAD

My title is sad, because that's how I feel today, I doubt the wet, cold weather helps, but it's more than this, my health problems, with walking being so painful causing loss of independence and loss of confidence, tiredness I think caused by constant pain and inability to sleep, other problems caused by my health issues, internal problems resulting in stomach pain and toilet troubles certainly contribute to this misery which is my life. I fight hard to keep cheerful for the sake of my family, my husband understands how down I get but I think I keep it from my children and friends quite well, I don't want my kids to worry over me, they have busy lives and enough troubles of their own and I don't want them worrying over me. Hubby keeps telling me to visit the doctor but I don't want antidepressant drugs, I am on enough medication for arthritis pain, high blood pressure, ibs and hormones for breast cancer, I don't want yet another pill to take, I don't want to pour out my troubles to a doctor I don't know well, especially as my old doctor retired and so we changed our surgery as I wasn't keen on the other doctors in the practice. I've never been good about talking things over, British stiff upper lip firmly in place, I don't think I would know where to start. So I write, I've always found writing therapy, even if I write it all down then destroy the document, it gets things out of my system, gets it off my chest, then I destroy my ramblings hoping to destroy the bad feelings attached to them.
I do not want to feel sad, anxious, worried and depressed, I want to join in with life, but feel on the fringes sometimes, with a large black cloud sat on my shoulders.